I’m starting to realize that there are some relationships that either can’t or won’t be salvageable. Of course I’ve always known that… but it’s a different thing to realize it when it begins to apply to your life. It’s no surprise to me that things will work out that way sometimes, but that doesn’t make it any less disappointing sometimes.
I’m blessed that two of my closest friends over the years are ladies that I used to be in romantic relationships with. Even when I handled the separation in the worst way due to what I can only describe as my silly youth and immaturity, our friendships were so strong that to this day I can count on both of them for anything, and vice-versa. It kinda amazes me when I reflect on it.
But it doesn’t always work out that way. I ended one relationship in particular for reasons that I felt were the best for me at the time, and I was always up front about my feelings. There was a lot of anger, hurt, and bitterness directed toward me, much of it justified. I broke her heart, and that’s the one thing that I regret about the whole situation. I’m sure if she told the story, she could paint a picture that would make me seem like a complete jackass. Perhaps I was.
Nonetheless, in the times after I’ve always left the door open to be friends. Not that I expected everything to just be gravy and we suddenly be best buddies, but at least to be able to chat once in a while, say “hi how are ya” and have a genuine conversation. I’m just wired that way… I think of people, past and present, wonder how they’re doing, and hope that everything is going well in their lives, even if we weren’t friends at all or parted on bad terms. There were attempts, but ultimately I guess she couldn’t or wouldn’t. So eventually the occasional “hi how are ya” got a one word response if any… eventually I was removed from friends lists, etc.
So be it, and such is life. I wish only the absolute best for her.
I’ve changed and learned a lot since then. I went through a period of reconciliation… reflecting on my life, the decisions that I’ve made, the good bad and ugly. I’ve used that to work on myself abd grow, and I still am. The people that I can recall that I’ve hurt or disappointed are on good terms with me… not that I was ever infatuated with “making things right” with people, but sometimes it just happens. Sometimes you find things weren’t as bad as you suspected. Maybe in this case she hates me, or is indifferent but just would rather not be associated. Who knows.
What I’m finding is most important isn’t always trying to reconcile something that’s already dead and buried… but instead using the lessons learned to strengthen the friendships that I have right now, new and old. For that one failed friendship, I have so many more that have endured. Reconnecting with people here on FB shows me that in spite of a few mistakes, I’ve had a positive impact on the vast majority of the people that I’ve encountered in my life.
That means a lot to me. It serves to remind me that, in spite of my flaws, I can be a great husband, father, friend, acquaintance, supervisor, subordinate, peer, and man. I can count on people to hold my ladder, and they can count on me to hold theirs. I can be an asset to those around me, and not a leech.
I can sit here and smile, and know that I’m a good man… but be humble enough to realize that the people around me have been essential to being that man.
So to all of you that have been my friends, that have stuck with me, helped me, endured me, beared with me, forgiven me, considered me, thought of me, prayed for me, encouraged me, uplifted me, corrected me, justly chastized me, complimented me, constructively criticized me, and loved me… I thank you.
Ok, I’m done rambling, lol!